Back Into Battle, I Go

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Hi all,

Sorry for dropping the bombshell about my brother and then going radio silent for so long, it’s been a difficult few weeks. First of all, my brother ended up have angioplasty on his heart, which was successful and is back home again. His health is still pretty fragile due to his kidney failure, but he’s home for now.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of other stuff. I need to find another job. As much as I love transcription I’ve realized that I would need to work 80 hours a week just to make enough to live on and I’m at a point in my life where that is just not an option. So, I’ve been trying to find another work-at-home job that will pay an actual livable wage.

This has led to a lot of soul-searching on my part and the decision to try speech therapy again. I’ve been a severe stutterer for 42 years now and have tried every type of speech therapy there is. I even participated in an experimental program where they injected Botox directly into my vocal folds. It didn’t go well for me at all. I sounded like Minnie Mouse on helium for three months, and I couldn’t drink anything sitting up because it would go down my windpipe, so I had to drink bending over to avoid choking. I’ve tried so many times with speech therapy, and every time it has fallen apart. The feeling of failure got progressively worse with each attempt, so I finally just gave up trying to become fluent.

But now I find myself so pigeon-holed job wise because I feel like no employer is going to choose me over someone who is fluent. I hate the position I’m in. I hate how my stutter has taken so many things away from me in my life. If my stutter were a person, I would murder it. I would cut it up into as many pieces as I could and scatter them to the wind. That’s how much I loathe, hate, and detest this condition that has ruined my entire life.

As you can tell, I’ve been feeling some pretty intense emotions lately, and it’s been all I can do to function without spinning entirely out of emotional control. I’m seeing my primary care physician this week and am going to ask him about speech therapy and see what he recommends. I cry every time I think about going back into the battle because I hate when I do all the work and the exercises, and it all falls apart again. I honestly don’t know if I have the strength to fail at this again. I try to tell myself, “You’ve got to go into this with a positive attitude. Maybe this time will be different.” The thing is though; I still have hope of overcoming this. And I think that is a strong enough foundation to try to build my fluency back up again. Wish me luck.

I’ll be in the corner if you need me.

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Nothing new on my sister. But now my brother, who is on the kidney transplant list, is in the hospital with cardiac blockages. One is 40-50% blocked. The other one is 90% blocked. I’m looking at the fact that they didn’t rush him into surgery as a positive thing. Even so, if you need me I’ll be in the corner trying to hold myself together.

I Can’t Believe I’m Here Again

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This decade has been a rough one for my family. My father passed in 2010, my brother-in-law in 2011, my sister passed away in 2016, and my mom passed last year. I thought we would get a break until the 2020s. I was wrong. My sister had a CT Scan on her lungs and the doctor has found something “concerning.”

I’m so scared right now. I can’t lose anyone else in my family. So, please send whatever prayers, good thoughts, positivity, whatever you can, to my sister. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that whatever they think they’ve found can be treated. I’ll keep you all posted on what we find out.

Much gratitude to you all. Meg

Update

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Greetings all,

Just a quick note and update. I haven’t been posting because I hurt my shoulder over 4th of July weekend and I’ve been on light duty ever since. Which means the only typing I’ve been doing is for work. Otherwise, things here are going well.

My cat Patches is still hanging in there, and his last blood work was normal for the most part. The vet was astonished to see him doing so well. I guess he’s just not ready to give up his ninth life. J

Summer’s flying by, and my family is getting ready for my niece’s wedding in September. She honored me by asking me to be her Maid of Honor, so I’m pretty excited about that.

I hope everyone out there is doing well and having a wonderful summer.

Be Confused

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Be confused, it’s where you begin to learn new things.

Be broken, it’s where you begin to heal.

Be frustrated, it’s where you start to make more authentic decisions.

Be sad, because if we are brave enough we can hear our heart’s wisdom through it.

Be whatever you are right now.

No more hiding. You are worthy, always.

– S.C. Lourie

The Strong Ones Break

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The strong ones are the ones who have

Learned how to break.

From break-ups to breakdowns

To break-ins

Where people have unexpectedly stolen

Our hearts.

We have felt ourselves crumble

Into dust.

At risk of being blown away

By the changing winds of our lives.

Yet time and time again we

Glue ourselves back together again.

Hope, faith, and tears create an emotional cement

That strengthens the remaining cracks in our psyches.

We rise over and over again from the ashes like Phoenixes.

Reborn, recreated and restored.

The Last of the Year of Firsts

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This week the year of firsts came to an end; first Christmas, birthdays, Mother’s Day, etc. without my mom. It was a bittersweet day on Wednesday, relief knowing the first year, which I had always thought would be the most difficult, and sadness knowing I had gone a whole year without being able to talk to my mom the way I used to. There was also a sense of pride in knowing I had come through it pretty much intact as well. Yes, I’ve had my moments of being puddled on the floor, but I’ve discovered that those moments pass and that I’m strong enough to go on with my life. I’ve learned a lot about myself this year, and it’s been the most important education of my life. I think the main lesson has been the need to not give into the fear of the unknown. There were so many times during my transcription course when I didn’t think I could go on, it was too hard, and I just doubted myself so much it nearly paralyzed me. But I also knew that my mom would want me to continue and fight through it, so I did, and now I’m working again. That’s been immensely important for my psyche and self-esteem.

When my mom died, I had largely shut myself off from the world because of my stuttering. Part of the reason was that I had been so burnt out taking care of my mom, that I just didn’t have the energy to deal with my speech issues anymore. The other part was my neighbor who had brainwashed me into thinking I was disabled and unable to speak for myself. It was only after he assaulted me, which I now feel was an attempt to convince me that I was helpless to do anything about his advances because I needed his help in order to function, that I realized I had to stand on my own. Stuttering or not, I had to face the world head on and not hide anymore. I’ve had some missteps since then, but now I feel solidly on my own path to where I was meant to be. And even though I know my mom isn’t physically with me anymore, I know that no matter where I go, she is always with me in spirit. I know that even though she is far away, she is still closer than I think.

The Old Tree

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apple blossoms

You’re not very pretty

Said little girl to tree

Looking at the hardened buds

That’s all that she could see.

They surveyed one another

In the warm spring air.

The tree old and grizzled

While the girl was splendid and fair.

There is magic yet within me

The ancient wood explained

All I need is the warming sun

And the chilly April rain.

The little girl scoffed and left

Not believing what the tree said

To the girl, the tree didn’t resemble life

The bare branches to her looked dead.

But when she returned in three days’ time

A fantastical sight did she behold

The tree in wondrous splendor

It left her speechless to behold

For each of the buds on the tree had burst

Into blossoms rosy and white

Its secret revealed for all to see

She was awestruck at the sight

Resting her head on the trunk

She silently apologized

The tree in response told her instead

Let this lesson make you wise.

Do not judge by appearance alone

You never know what’s inside

Even the ugliest of forms

Have beauty trapped inside.

And while this is old adage true

The reverse can also be

Beauty can hide the ugliness

It’s all in the way you see.

If It Fits, I Sits

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I got a box in the mail

Just the other day

Scissors revealed the contents

The rest was thrown away.

Just as I thought it was finished

That it was all said and done.

A loud whiny meow from behind me came

And cat and box become one.

When he first started to climb

Into the box so small

I had to stand and laugh at him

He couldn’t fit at all.

But then the cat gave me look

And though no words were said

He communicated that he would fit

And the box would be his new bed.

I watched his bones begin to melt

He impossibly liquefied

And as the cat scrunched himself in

I laugh until I cried.

The moral of the story

Before this poem, I quit

In cat-dom it’s entirely true

If a cat fits, it sits.