Nothing new on my sister. But now my brother, who is on the kidney transplant list, is in the hospital with cardiac blockages. One is 40-50% blocked. The other one is 90% blocked. I’m looking at the fact that they didn’t rush him into surgery as a positive thing. Even so, if you need me I’ll be in the corner trying to hold myself together.
This decade has been a rough one for my family. My father passed in 2010, my brother-in-law in 2011, my sister passed away in 2016, and my mom passed last year. I thought we would get a break until the 2020s. I was wrong. My sister had a CT Scan on her lungs and the doctor has found something “concerning.”
I’m so scared right now. I can’t lose anyone else in my family. So, please send whatever prayers, good thoughts, positivity, whatever you can, to my sister. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that whatever they think they’ve found can be treated. I’ll keep you all posted on what we find out.
Much gratitude to you all. Meg
Just a quick note and update. I haven’t been posting because I hurt my shoulder over 4th of July weekend and I’ve been on light duty ever since. Which means the only typing I’ve been doing is for work. Otherwise, things here are going well.
My cat Patches is still hanging in there, and his last blood work was normal for the most part. The vet was astonished to see him doing so well. I guess he’s just not ready to give up his ninth life. J
Summer’s flying by, and my family is getting ready for my niece’s wedding in September. She honored me by asking me to be her Maid of Honor, so I’m pretty excited about that.
I hope everyone out there is doing well and having a wonderful summer.
Be confused, it’s where you begin to learn new things.
Be broken, it’s where you begin to heal.
Be frustrated, it’s where you start to make more authentic decisions.
Be sad, because if we are brave enough we can hear our heart’s wisdom through it.
Be whatever you are right now.
No more hiding. You are worthy, always.
– S.C. Lourie
The maple seeds met the branches of the dead
On their way to the Earth.
Tumbling and falling through the leafless and lifeless
Creating skittering tones like skeleton fingertips
Drumming on the hollows of trees.
The strong ones are the ones who have
Learned how to break.
From break-ups to breakdowns
Where people have unexpectedly stolen
We have felt ourselves crumble
At risk of being blown away
By the changing winds of our lives.
Yet time and time again we
Glue ourselves back together again.
Hope, faith, and tears create an emotional cement
That strengthens the remaining cracks in our psyches.
We rise over and over again from the ashes like Phoenixes.
Reborn, recreated and restored.
This week the year of firsts came to an end; first Christmas, birthdays, Mother’s Day, etc. without my mom. It was a bittersweet day on Wednesday, relief knowing the first year, which I had always thought would be the most difficult, and sadness knowing I had gone a whole year without being able to talk to my mom the way I used to. There was also a sense of pride in knowing I had come through it pretty much intact as well. Yes, I’ve had my moments of being puddled on the floor, but I’ve discovered that those moments pass and that I’m strong enough to go on with my life. I’ve learned a lot about myself this year, and it’s been the most important education of my life. I think the main lesson has been the need to not give into the fear of the unknown. There were so many times during my transcription course when I didn’t think I could go on, it was too hard, and I just doubted myself so much it nearly paralyzed me. But I also knew that my mom would want me to continue and fight through it, so I did, and now I’m working again. That’s been immensely important for my psyche and self-esteem.
When my mom died, I had largely shut myself off from the world because of my stuttering. Part of the reason was that I had been so burnt out taking care of my mom, that I just didn’t have the energy to deal with my speech issues anymore. The other part was my neighbor who had brainwashed me into thinking I was disabled and unable to speak for myself. It was only after he assaulted me, which I now feel was an attempt to convince me that I was helpless to do anything about his advances because I needed his help in order to function, that I realized I had to stand on my own. Stuttering or not, I had to face the world head on and not hide anymore. I’ve had some missteps since then, but now I feel solidly on my own path to where I was meant to be. And even though I know my mom isn’t physically with me anymore, I know that no matter where I go, she is always with me in spirit. I know that even though she is far away, she is still closer than I think.
You’re not very pretty
Said little girl to tree
Looking at the hardened buds
That’s all that she could see.
They surveyed one another
In the warm spring air.
The tree old and grizzled
While the girl was splendid and fair.
There is magic yet within me
The ancient wood explained
All I need is the warming sun
And the chilly April rain.
The little girl scoffed and left
Not believing what the tree said
To the girl, the tree didn’t resemble life
The bare branches to her looked dead.
But when she returned in three days’ time
A fantastical sight did she behold
The tree in wondrous splendor
It left her speechless to behold
For each of the buds on the tree had burst
Into blossoms rosy and white
Its secret revealed for all to see
She was awestruck at the sight
Resting her head on the trunk
She silently apologized
The tree in response told her instead
Let this lesson make you wise.
Do not judge by appearance alone
You never know what’s inside
Even the ugliest of forms
Have beauty trapped inside.
And while this is old adage true
The reverse can also be
Beauty can hide the ugliness
It’s all in the way you see.
I got a box in the mail
Just the other day
Scissors revealed the contents
The rest was thrown away.
Just as I thought it was finished
That it was all said and done.
A loud whiny meow from behind me came
And cat and box become one.
When he first started to climb
Into the box so small
I had to stand and laugh at him
He couldn’t fit at all.
But then the cat gave me look
And though no words were said
He communicated that he would fit
And the box would be his new bed.
I watched his bones begin to melt
He impossibly liquefied
And as the cat scrunched himself in
I laugh until I cried.
The moral of the story
Before this poem, I quit
In cat-dom it’s entirely true
If a cat fits, it sits.
Ribbons dance in the breeze.
Fluttering and rippling
Attached to kites that
Dance and twirl
All on the same wind
A sky full of every color
The world has ever seen
And some they haven’t.
And underneath children
Twirl and flutter around
Faces full of smiles
As squeals and giggles join the
Kites in the sky.