Summer Storm

The rumble started in the distance

Deep, long, and low.

Thunder approached, rain and hail

And lightning’s unholy glow

The wind tossed the treetops

And blew grass

Until it bent.

My dog sat glued

To my lap ‘til the tempest’s

Power had been spent.

Only then, did my dog

Bravely lift his head

And placed a kiss

On my cheek

As if “Thank you” he had said.

Thank you for comforting me

In the circle of your arms.

When I’m with you

I know I’m safe

And free from any harm.

Then he jumped down

To the floor, and yawned

His mouth gaped wide.

And all he wanted to do

As the sun came back out

Was go and play outside.

Pleading With My Brain

Brain sit down,

We need to talk

Your routine is getting stale

You’ve kept me awake

For three nights now

Your obnoxiousness

Is beyond the pale.

I crawl into bed

Tired, ready to sleep

And turn out the light with hope

But as soon as I lie down to rest

You firmly tell me “Nope.”

Brain. You start racing, reeling

Running round

The same old things.

So that by morning light

My whole body

Aches and stings.

So today, I’m begging

And pleading

I don’t know what else

To do.

Tonight, can I please

Just sleep

So tomorrow I feel

Fresh and new?

Therapy

Yesterday I started therapy again. I had seen this particular therapist a few times before my mom went into the hospital and I just haven’t had the energy or inclination to go back until recently when I realized just how much trouble I was having processing the death of my mom. Blogging about it has helped but overall I have been feeling stuck in a mindset that wasn’t healthy. For example, a package arrived for my mom while she was in the hospital that still sits unopened. Every time I slip up and look at the box I think that I have to wait for my mom to come home to open it. This always triggers my grief and I end up curled up on the sofa sobbing. So I do my best to ignore the box that sits on a chair in the dining room. I realize it’s only been seven weeks since my mom passed away. I know I’m very early into the grieving process, whatever that means, but I’m so aware of becoming lost in my grief, of sinking into it and allowing myself to drown in this sadness that burbles just underneath the surface of my consciousness. I’m learning that getting through this loss is more than taking care of my physical self but my mental, psychological, and spiritual self as well. So I’m seeing a therapist again as part of my ongoing effort to make my way through this unknown journey.

The Paintbrush

My hand hangs suspended in the air

Paintbrush dipped in blue paint

Clasped in trembling fingers

It’s just a test swatch

I tell myself for the

Millionth time.

But still brush has

Yet to meet wall.

It feels wrong to do this

It is still Mom’s bedroom

I’m looking for approval

From someone who can

No longer give it.

And yet the need to

Take that first step towards

A future without her

Feels so critically important.

A primal instinct to not get

Entrapped in my grief

And enshrine her bedroom

Never to be touched

Or changed.

I can’t let that happen.

Taking a deep breath

Brush meets wall in

Broad strokes.

Color shall lead my way

Towards an uncertain future.

I only hope I choose

The right one.

An Extraordinarily Magic Moment

Last night I was walking my dog out in the backyard. I always have a flashlight with me because we have fisher cats, coyotes, and other predators in the area that I have to be careful of. So, I’m standing there holding my dog’s leash and he was off in his own world intently sniffing something on the ground. I was scanning the inky recesses of the yard when the light bounced of two glowing eyes standing about 5 feet off the ground about 30 feet away from where I stood. I gasped and took a step back, hating myself for all the horror movies I have ever seen. Taking a deep, yet shuddering breath, I tentatively looked again. The light bounced off the pale broad flank, up the long slender neck, and the softly curved head of a deer. My eyes widened as we stared at each other. It occurred to me that he had probably seen me long before I realized we were sharing space and he had still emerged from the woods and entered the yard. I was no threat to him. I brought the light down again because I didn’t want my dog to see him and start barking and scare him or wake the neighborhood. My curiosity could not be contained though and I kept shining the light and finding him ghosting across the yard towards the street where I could only assume he was heading to the nearby river. After he had disappeared around the corner of the house I stood there basking in the magic of the moment. That magic has stayed with me throughout today as well. This might not be the most authorial way to express this sentiment but it was just so cool.