My New Reality

My older sister left to go back home today. She has been staying with me since my mom was moved to critical care which was several weeks ago. It was a strange feeling watching her car pull out of my driveway. I felt completely untethered for the first time since my mom passed away on Tuesday and it was unnerving to say the least. I mean I was alone during the first part of my mom’s hospitalization but then I knew she was still there, you know? This knowing that she’s not coming back, that my life as a caregiver is over, is just daunting. I took care of her full time for 12 years and part-time for 8 years before that. I’ve lived this life for 20 years and now it’s just over. I have no idea what kind of person I am without that. Looking around the house for the first time I just felt numb thinking of everything I have to do. Going through my mom’s things and getting organized to find a job and everything else that I haven’t thought of yet. That is what is going to get me through this. Keeping busy and moving forward to a life I know my mom would have wanted me to have. It’s up to me to see this through and my mom gave me every tool I need to see it come to fruition. Will I have rough days? You bet I will. I realize the magnitude of what has happened hasn’t even begun to hit me yet and, to be honest, I’m kind of scared of what will happen when it does. I just have to focus on handling things as they come. One day at a time and not worry about what might happen in the future. Because being untethered doesn’t mean I’m just drifting aimlessly about, it means I have control over what direction my life takes and, with my mom’s spirit guiding me, I know I’m going to find the path I was meant to take.

One thought on “My New Reality

  1. There’s nothing to be ashamed of with grief, which will be one powerful emotion that will fill some of the empty space for a time (and possibly surprise you by showing up much later). No rush to “get over it” or “put closure on it” – those things are done in the living of your life on no particular schedule. Don’t fear grief showing up – it is an expression of love for those we can’t hug or otherwise share affection with in our conventional ways. Grieving is actually the sign of a good heart. When Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted,” he says that the mourning itself – the capacity to have our hearts moved in that painful way – is necessary on finding the path of life worth taking.

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