Sorry for dropping the bombshell about my brother and then going radio silent for so long, it’s been a difficult few weeks. First of all, my brother ended up have angioplasty on his heart, which was successful and is back home again. His health is still pretty fragile due to his kidney failure, but he’s home for now.
I’ve been dealing with a lot of other stuff. I need to find another job. As much as I love transcription I’ve realized that I would need to work 80 hours a week just to make enough to live on and I’m at a point in my life where that is just not an option. So, I’ve been trying to find another work-at-home job that will pay an actual livable wage.
This has led to a lot of soul-searching on my part and the decision to try speech therapy again. I’ve been a severe stutterer for 42 years now and have tried every type of speech therapy there is. I even participated in an experimental program where they injected Botox directly into my vocal folds. It didn’t go well for me at all. I sounded like Minnie Mouse on helium for three months, and I couldn’t drink anything sitting up because it would go down my windpipe, so I had to drink bending over to avoid choking. I’ve tried so many times with speech therapy, and every time it has fallen apart. The feeling of failure got progressively worse with each attempt, so I finally just gave up trying to become fluent.
But now I find myself so pigeon-holed job wise because I feel like no employer is going to choose me over someone who is fluent. I hate the position I’m in. I hate how my stutter has taken so many things away from me in my life. If my stutter were a person, I would murder it. I would cut it up into as many pieces as I could and scatter them to the wind. That’s how much I loathe, hate, and detest this condition that has ruined my entire life.
As you can tell, I’ve been feeling some pretty intense emotions lately, and it’s been all I can do to function without spinning entirely out of emotional control. I’m seeing my primary care physician this week and am going to ask him about speech therapy and see what he recommends. I cry every time I think about going back into the battle because I hate when I do all the work and the exercises, and it all falls apart again. I honestly don’t know if I have the strength to fail at this again. I try to tell myself, “You’ve got to go into this with a positive attitude. Maybe this time will be different.” The thing is though; I still have hope of overcoming this. And I think that is a strong enough foundation to try to build my fluency back up again. Wish me luck.