Pleading With My Brain

Brain sit down,

We need to talk

Your routine is getting stale

You’ve kept me awake

For three nights now

Your obnoxiousness

Is beyond the pale.

I crawl into bed

Tired, ready to sleep

And turn out the light with hope

But as soon as I lie down to rest

You firmly tell me “Nope.”

Brain. You start racing, reeling

Running round

The same old things.

So that by morning light

My whole body

Aches and stings.

So today, I’m begging

And pleading

I don’t know what else

To do.

Tonight, can I please

Just sleep

So tomorrow I feel

Fresh and new?

Therapy

Yesterday I started therapy again. I had seen this particular therapist a few times before my mom went into the hospital and I just haven’t had the energy or inclination to go back until recently when I realized just how much trouble I was having processing the death of my mom. Blogging about it has helped but overall I have been feeling stuck in a mindset that wasn’t healthy. For example, a package arrived for my mom while she was in the hospital that still sits unopened. Every time I slip up and look at the box I think that I have to wait for my mom to come home to open it. This always triggers my grief and I end up curled up on the sofa sobbing. So I do my best to ignore the box that sits on a chair in the dining room. I realize it’s only been seven weeks since my mom passed away. I know I’m very early into the grieving process, whatever that means, but I’m so aware of becoming lost in my grief, of sinking into it and allowing myself to drown in this sadness that burbles just underneath the surface of my consciousness. I’m learning that getting through this loss is more than taking care of my physical self but my mental, psychological, and spiritual self as well. So I’m seeing a therapist again as part of my ongoing effort to make my way through this unknown journey.

An Extraordinarily Magic Moment

Last night I was walking my dog out in the backyard. I always have a flashlight with me because we have fisher cats, coyotes, and other predators in the area that I have to be careful of. So, I’m standing there holding my dog’s leash and he was off in his own world intently sniffing something on the ground. I was scanning the inky recesses of the yard when the light bounced of two glowing eyes standing about 5 feet off the ground about 30 feet away from where I stood. I gasped and took a step back, hating myself for all the horror movies I have ever seen. Taking a deep, yet shuddering breath, I tentatively looked again. The light bounced off the pale broad flank, up the long slender neck, and the softly curved head of a deer. My eyes widened as we stared at each other. It occurred to me that he had probably seen me long before I realized we were sharing space and he had still emerged from the woods and entered the yard. I was no threat to him. I brought the light down again because I didn’t want my dog to see him and start barking and scare him or wake the neighborhood. My curiosity could not be contained though and I kept shining the light and finding him ghosting across the yard towards the street where I could only assume he was heading to the nearby river. After he had disappeared around the corner of the house I stood there basking in the magic of the moment. That magic has stayed with me throughout today as well. This might not be the most authorial way to express this sentiment but it was just so cool.

The Fireworks

I watch the fireworks reflected in

My child’s wide eyes.

Her mouth gapes open as

The skies alight with

Every color there is to be seen.

The first booms startled her

Arms wrapping around my neck

A little tighter.

Now all she knows is beauty and wonder

And I treasure the sound of her squeals and giggles

On this warm summer night.

The Humanity

The Humanity.

Taking to the streets again

To March.

Rallying to protect

Families they don’t know

Families from foreign

Places who have been

Separated by inhumane laws.

These marchers are the best

The United States has to offer.

I hope the world realizes that

We are doing what we can

To fight against the

Tide of fascism that

Is growing before our eyes.

This Journey

Yesterday was a tough one for me. I woke up feeling the gaping hole in my heart that my mom has left and I started crying. I got up and cried. I ate breakfast and cried. It’s safe to say I tapped into that maelstrom that has been brewing within me. By last night I was so exhausted and cried out I fell asleep quickly and would have slept through the night if it hadn’t been for the nightmare. A nightmare where this giant spider descended from the ceiling wearing my mom’s face. I woke up shivering and freezing and scrambled to pull the quilt over me and try to find warmth again. I lay there in a fetal position my heart and thoughts racing unable to find the path back to peaceful slumber again. I got up and rifled through my closet until I found my childhood teddy bear and brought it to bed with me. It seemed so ridiculous for a middle-aged woman to curl up with a stuffed animal but it brought me enough comfort that I did finally fall asleep. This journey I’m taking with grief is a strange one. I thought I knew what twists and turns I’d be facing but it hasn’t been like that at all. Some days I feel like nothing has changed, which has been the most unfamiliar feeling of all. How can I feel like everything is how it’s been when I’m adjusting to a new normal? It is a maze of confusing contradictions and I can’t find my way out. I’ve taken too many turns trying to outrun my grief. And now I’m lost somewhere in the middle of it. At least I think I’m in the middle, maybe I’m still in the outer ring of it. I wish I had a drone’s eye view of it so I could figure out how much further I have to go. Realistically I know this grief will be with me for the rest of my life. Time heals all wounds but does it lead you the middle of the maze where I imagine acceptance and peace dwell?