‘Imagine’ – JL died. Popularity passes The world’s lyrics fizzes night into day The Word reside in His sincerity masses JC: — “My words will never pass away” So, under any circumstance or expense Trade your “sight” and do not confuse: – Having the right with being right ‘or’ Being educated with having intelligence Lobbyist […]
I watch the fireworks reflected in
My child’s wide eyes.
Her mouth gapes open as
The skies alight with
Every color there is to be seen.
The first booms startled her
Arms wrapping around my neck
A little tighter.
Now all she knows is beauty and wonder
And I treasure the sound of her squeals and giggles
On this warm summer night.
Taking to the streets again
Rallying to protect
Families they don’t know
Families from foreign
Places who have been
Separated by inhumane laws.
These marchers are the best
The United States has to offer.
I hope the world realizes that
We are doing what we can
To fight against the
Tide of fascism that
Is growing before our eyes.
Yesterday was a tough one for me. I woke up feeling the gaping hole in my heart that my mom has left and I started crying. I got up and cried. I ate breakfast and cried. It’s safe to say I tapped into that maelstrom that has been brewing within me. By last night I was so exhausted and cried out I fell asleep quickly and would have slept through the night if it hadn’t been for the nightmare. A nightmare where this giant spider descended from the ceiling wearing my mom’s face. I woke up shivering and freezing and scrambled to pull the quilt over me and try to find warmth again. I lay there in a fetal position my heart and thoughts racing unable to find the path back to peaceful slumber again. I got up and rifled through my closet until I found my childhood teddy bear and brought it to bed with me. It seemed so ridiculous for a middle-aged woman to curl up with a stuffed animal but it brought me enough comfort that I did finally fall asleep. This journey I’m taking with grief is a strange one. I thought I knew what twists and turns I’d be facing but it hasn’t been like that at all. Some days I feel like nothing has changed, which has been the most unfamiliar feeling of all. How can I feel like everything is how it’s been when I’m adjusting to a new normal? It is a maze of confusing contradictions and I can’t find my way out. I’ve taken too many turns trying to outrun my grief. And now I’m lost somewhere in the middle of it. At least I think I’m in the middle, maybe I’m still in the outer ring of it. I wish I had a drone’s eye view of it so I could figure out how much further I have to go. Realistically I know this grief will be with me for the rest of my life. Time heals all wounds but does it lead you the middle of the maze where I imagine acceptance and peace dwell?
Grief is a double-edged sword.
It can give you comfort
As well as the greatest pain.
The comfort comes
In knowing everyone finds
Themselves in its grasp
At some point in their lives.
It is a unifying experience
The heartache comes from
Knowing that and still
Feeling isolated from
I have no idea how it survived the drop
The plump little feathered fledgling
Sitting on my porch.
It woke up this morning
In the small nest nestled in the eaves.
Now it sits blinking in the sun.
Suddenly flapping its wings furiously
Trying to catch the breeze
That ruffles its feathers
And lift off.
But only manages to hover a foot and
I hear the parents in a nearby tree
Their sharp chirps ring through
All at once I am completely
I stare out the window and will it
To take its first flight.
I don’t know if apathy is a stage of grief but it has filled me to the brim today. I haven’t wanted to do anything at all. I’ve sat on the couch most of the day passively watching whatever has been on the television. My brain has felt like it’s been on standby mode just running on low gear. I have nothing I have to do. Nowhere, I have to be. And most importantly, no one to take care of. This feeling of emptiness is just consuming my body and soul. I know I should go out and be with people and get out of the house and not close myself off but I just don’t have any energy whatsoever to do those things. There is so much advice out there on how to deal with grief and how important it is to let the process evolve naturally. But I don’t want this apathy to become a lifestyle. If I’m honest with myself I have been finding myself reverting back to apathy more and more. I don’t want to feel the grief. I don’t want to feel the pain of losing my mom. And when I’m just in low gear, I don’t feel anything and my brain won’t allow myself to go anywhere near that pain that still simmers below the surface. I’ve tapped into that pain a few times and it is unbearable. Uncontrolled sobbing and a heaviness in my chest that makes it nearly impossible to draw in full breaths. Can you blame me for wanting to hide from it? I feel like a frayed wire and if I get to close to it I get a painful shock that makes my heart and soul jump. Do they make electrical tape for the soul? Just wrap it around the exposed bits and get on with my life and hope it’s strong enough to hold back the electrical aspects of grief. It might sound stupid but I wish grief came in a vending machine and I could put my money in and get a little bit when I wanted to deal with it. But that’s not how it is. It has been coming at times I’ve expected and at the oddest times as well. I suppose this will continue for the foreseeable future. I just have to learn how to take its hand and walk with it instead of running away from it. Maybe then the healing will begin in earnest.
I went and saw the movie “Jurassic World: Lost Kingdom” today and I’ll discuss it in a minute but first I need to talk about something else first. I’ve had driving anxiety my whole life. I just can’t seem to relax when I’m driving. I’m always waiting for something bad to happen. For some reason today it was worse than ever. Maybe it was exacerbated by my grief, it was the first movie I’ve gone to since my mom died. All I know is that my anxiety was my alarm clock this morning and woke me up way too early with its racing heart and thoughts. I found myself trying to rationalize not going today by telling myself that the movie will still be there on Monday. I was committed to the idea of going today. So I pushed through it and got in my car. The 15-minute drive there was horrible. I thought my heart was going to beat a hole through my chest it was racing so hard. My fight or flight sense was kicked into overdrive and kept telling me to turn around and go home. It was hard to fight against what felt like my most basic instincts and not go back home. I have been looking forward to seeing the movie on the big screen for months, and that is what helped me push through and make it to the theater. I wish I could be like everyone else around me who just jumps into their car and goes without any hesitation but that’s not me. Anyway, onto the main attraction.
“Jurassic World: Lost Kingdom” overall wasn’t what I expected at all. It felt like an effort to take the story in an entirely new direction and I’m not sure if I like that or not. It just felt like it was lacking the wonder and imagination the first films possessed. It had a sadder tone to it that made me somewhat uncomfortable. It raised some interesting questions though and the ending definitely leaves a door wide open for another film in the franchise, which will be unlike anything we’ve seen before. My biggest complaint about the film though is the lack of John Williams’ brilliant theme song that has been in all the films. There was one moment where I heard it hinted at but that was it. Maybe that’s one reason why I didn’t feel the same way about this one. Sorry for the vagueness of this but I don’t want to spoil anything for anyone who hasn’t seen it yet.