My Confession

I have a confession to make. Before my mom went into the hospital, I was tired. Tired of being her caregiver. Tired of not having a life of my own. Tired of feeling like life was passing me by while everyone else got to move along with the traffic of their lives. I was her caregiver full time for twelve years and part-time for eight years before that. Twenty years I spent helping her out while putting my hopes and dreams on hold. While she was in the hospital and her condition was declining I hate to admit that part of me felt like a horse at the starting gate of a race. Chomping at the bit of what was to come. Those feelings made me feel so incredibly guilty but there they were. I was ready to move forward with my life and enthusiastic about what would happen after the inevitable happened.

Then my mom passed and the racing gate burst opened and nothing happened. I couldn’t move. The days just crept by and I didn’t want to move or do anything without my mom. My identity had become so intertwined with hers that I just don’t know who I am now. It’s a strange feeling, to say the least, to be in my mid-40s and have no clue who I am. It is so strange seeing things that were my mom’s leave the house. Last Wednesday her oxygen compressor that whined and wheezed 24/7 was picked up by the company and I had the most dreadful feeling that it couldn’t go because she needed it to breathe. Then the realization hit and the dam cracked, but didn’t completely break, and I cried. I put the tubing that came with the machine, in the trash and I walked back to the house shaking so hard I could hardly take a step. I feel the pull of her still and I need to break away from that. I need to move toward a future without her but I don’t know how to. I try to take steps and feel this gravitational pull backwards to a past that no long exists. I keep listening to a song called “Never Lookin Back” by the husband and wife duo of Pear. There’s a line in the chorus, “….no future in the rearview mirror” that is resonating a great deal with me these days. I can’t keep being pulled back by the past. I need to move forward towards a future of my own. I’m just not sure how to do that at the moment, but taking one baby step at a time I know I can. It’s just going to be the hardest journey I will ever make in my life.

Request for Thoughts and Prayers

Last night my mom was rushed to the hospital. She is 87 now and has congestive heart failure among other ailments. Sitting here alone in the house we share seems so strange. We’ve been in this situation before but for some reason, this time seems different and I’m not sure why. Usually, I’m very worried about her but this time I’m not and I’m not sure how to feel about this. Maybe it’s because I know she is getting the best care and will probably be home in a few days or maybe I’m just resigned to the fact that she is getting older and know she won’t be with us forever. I don’t know. My sisters are handling communicating with her nurses because of my speech, which is fine. But somehow I feel like they have rallied the troops around each other and I’m on the outside of it all. I understand why I feel this way. Several years ago, they got together to talk about mom’s care and left me out of it. Here I was living with our mom and dealing with her medical issues on a daily basis but they felt it was ok to not consult me in any way. It really hurt. I talked to one of my sisters about it and she said that she had no idea I had been left out and promised to do better. And she has but yet here I am. My nerves and emotions are just raw right now and I’m still fighting my bronchitis so that has me at the edge of exhaustion from coughing all night. Anyway, if any of my readers could send prayers and good wishes her way, they would all be very much appreciated. And I will keep you all posted about her condition in the upcoming days.