There are odd feelings
On the wind
Today.
Anticipation.
A primitive wariness.
Fearful excitement
There’s a storm coming
Soon enough those feelings will
Start flittering down
From the sky as
Frozen flakes of snow.
Hour after hour
Drifting and blowing
Covering the world
In white.
Why do some pieces of music
Make me weep?
Certain strains of violins
Or harmonies of voices
Move my soul so intensely
Raising goosebumps
On my skin
And making tears fall
From my eyes.
I become so enraptured
By the beauty of sound
I release all control
Of my being
And immerse myself
In it.
Becoming one with
Its simple complexities.
“If you’re willing.” This is how my neighbor, who assaulted me in September, began his email to me saying he is interested in doing snow removal for me this winter. Just the fact that he sent the email in the first place set my teeth on edge but the way he began it just pushed me over the edge. It made me think he was implying that I had caused the trouble between us and not his never-ending unwanted advances towards me. It’s been two months since I had any contact with him and this missive from him just showed how much he didn’t understand what he had done to me. The extra anxiety I’ve felt at night when everything is dark and my dog is barking as if he’s seen or heard something. The going over everything time and again to make sure I didn’t send any mixed signals to him. I didn’t; by the way, I was always set in my stance on not wanting anything romantic from him. I took a night to decide what to say in response and decided upon this opening sentence.
“What I’m not willing to do is allow the man who assaulted me back into my life in any capacity.”
I thought it was succinct and very to the point. I sent it and haven’t heard anything back, so maybe my neighbor has crawled back under his rock again. I hope this is the end of this nightmare but somehow I feel like that as long as we live across from each other, I will always have to stay on my toes.
The last few days have been particularly rough for me. The realization that Thanksgiving, a holiday my mom loved, will also fall on the six month anniversary of her death has hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve allowed the grief to take the reins for now and haven’t been able to do too much more than recover from the endless crying I’ve been experiencing. I’m not posting this for sympathy, it’s just the reality of my life right now. It’s important to allow my grief to take its course and be patient with myself during this healing process. I’m not sure if I’m going to be posting much over the next little while and I wanted to let you all know why. It’s time to focus on myself and being careful with my feelings and not pushing myself past what it’s able to do during this time.
Why are emotions strongest
When I feel most fragile?
When my soul is like glass
With spider web cracks
Moving across it.
Ready to shatter at the
Slightest pressure
That is when the
White-boned fingers
Of grief wrap around
My psyche and start
To squeeze.
Sharp points dig in
And I gasp for breath
Waiting for it to pass.
Never have I felt this
Lack of control
Over my emotions.
I have been reduced
To a quivering,
Gasping
Shell,
Drowning in the
Ocean that falls
From my eyes.
This need to
Have her back
Is all-consuming
I’m vaguely aware
Of the pleas
Tumbling from my lips
Please send her back to me.
Please send her back.
I gulp in the air only to have
The wracking sobs
Steal it back again.
My pain so tangible
Yet I feel numb to it.
Minutes feel like hours
Until the wave finally passes
And I am deposited
Bonelessly onto the
Still unfamiliar shores
Of this cold new reality.
This grief, depression, whatever it is,
Has been weighing me down for days.
I try to move to shake it off
But it just wants to stay.
It’s been fed by trauma
And many have I had
Lately my life seems to be
Less good and more bad.
So now I just sit here
And feel life slipping by
Not caring, full of apathy
Only managing to cry
Waiting for this wave to crest
To ride it back to shore
Because I still have hope
There are still good days in store.
Lost in memory again
I curl towards myself
And steel my soul
Against the crush of emotions.
Breathing deeply I experience
Them moving through and within me.
Some moments like water
Other moments
like stinging bees.
Yesterday was a tough one for me. I woke up feeling the gaping hole in my heart that my mom has left and I started crying. I got up and cried. I ate breakfast and cried. It’s safe to say I tapped into that maelstrom that has been brewing within me. By last night I was so exhausted and cried out I fell asleep quickly and would have slept through the night if it hadn’t been for the nightmare. A nightmare where this giant spider descended from the ceiling wearing my mom’s face. I woke up shivering and freezing and scrambled to pull the quilt over me and try to find warmth again. I lay there in a fetal position my heart and thoughts racing unable to find the path back to peaceful slumber again. I got up and rifled through my closet until I found my childhood teddy bear and brought it to bed with me. It seemed so ridiculous for a middle-aged woman to curl up with a stuffed animal but it brought me enough comfort that I did finally fall asleep. This journey I’m taking with grief is a strange one. I thought I knew what twists and turns I’d be facing but it hasn’t been like that at all. Some days I feel like nothing has changed, which has been the most unfamiliar feeling of all. How can I feel like everything is how it’s been when I’m adjusting to a new normal? It is a maze of confusing contradictions and I can’t find my way out. I’ve taken too many turns trying to outrun my grief. And now I’m lost somewhere in the middle of it. At least I think I’m in the middle, maybe I’m still in the outer ring of it. I wish I had a drone’s eye view of it so I could figure out how much further I have to go. Realistically I know this grief will be with me for the rest of my life. Time heals all wounds but does it lead you the middle of the maze where I imagine acceptance and peace dwell?
I don’t know if apathy is a stage of grief but it has filled me to the brim today. I haven’t wanted to do anything at all. I’ve sat on the couch most of the day passively watching whatever has been on the television. My brain has felt like it’s been on standby mode just running on low gear. I have nothing I have to do. Nowhere, I have to be. And most importantly, no one to take care of. This feeling of emptiness is just consuming my body and soul. I know I should go out and be with people and get out of the house and not close myself off but I just don’t have any energy whatsoever to do those things. There is so much advice out there on how to deal with grief and how important it is to let the process evolve naturally. But I don’t want this apathy to become a lifestyle. If I’m honest with myself I have been finding myself reverting back to apathy more and more. I don’t want to feel the grief. I don’t want to feel the pain of losing my mom. And when I’m just in low gear, I don’t feel anything and my brain won’t allow myself to go anywhere near that pain that still simmers below the surface. I’ve tapped into that pain a few times and it is unbearable. Uncontrolled sobbing and a heaviness in my chest that makes it nearly impossible to draw in full breaths. Can you blame me for wanting to hide from it? I feel like a frayed wire and if I get to close to it I get a painful shock that makes my heart and soul jump. Do they make electrical tape for the soul? Just wrap it around the exposed bits and get on with my life and hope it’s strong enough to hold back the electrical aspects of grief. It might sound stupid but I wish grief came in a vending machine and I could put my money in and get a little bit when I wanted to deal with it. But that’s not how it is. It has been coming at times I’ve expected and at the oddest times as well. I suppose this will continue for the foreseeable future. I just have to learn how to take its hand and walk with it instead of running away from it. Maybe then the healing will begin in earnest.